Alone in a Crowded Room

I narrate my life. I can't possibly be the only person who does this.

Anyway- during the day in the back of my head I'm thinking how I would tell this "story" to someone else or my diary. Its weird, right? I think it steams from having written in a diary religiously when I was younger and being used to telling people about your day.

I also think about the way I phrase things in my narration. "What will the listening think about me if I say this? But what if I put it this way?"

The point being I suck as blogging because I can't get it out of my head and onto paper. I also happen to think that I'd be pretty damn funny. Or maybe I just sound that way in the back of my head.

I need to write though. I think its healthy for me. Besides- what are my other options? Telling my boyfriend who may or may not be around much longer about my days and relying on him to help me make decisions? My mother who has her own problems to worry about?

This is depressing me. I need to write, and I need to write for me. I need to be my own listener, my own advocate.

And I've been trying really hard the last few months to do what is right for me. To take care of myself. To look out for my best interests. To not kill annoying coworkers.

I love my job for the most part. But I can't do this all my life- there's too much travel. I need to get my act together and go to grad school.

Am I excited about going back to school? No.

When people go off to undergraduate they go to school for the experience. And some go to grad school for the same reason, but they usually go because they want a job. It isn't about meeting people (although you do and its great) its about getting the skills you need to get that job when you graduate.

Not that I'm saying I wouldn't enjoy grad school, that it wouldn't be fun...but that's not the point (and in reality that shouldn't be what the undergraduate education is for but that's another story).

Maybe I just want to go to grad school because I need a change. Maybe its because I really want to get the training for the right job for me. Maybe I just want to run away from Richmond like I ran away from my parents.

Things get to deep, and you need to cut loose, get out. I always loved the feeling of leaving a job. When you're getting ready to quit and all you can think about it how this isn't my responsibility anymore. I won't have to deal with this soon.

I think that I'm very sad by that I'm holding it all together so well. I feel like I'm a bomb but I'm clipping wires to prevent the explosion.

Unlike some people who drop atomic bombs on my life. Its frustrating when your so worried about Problem A and it turns out Problem B comes down and blows everything you were working on to prevent Problem A from well... becoming a problem.

Its frustrating when everyone around you when friends and co-workers and younger siblings are getting married and your boyfriend won't even talk to you about marriage.

I WISH people would stop asking me when I'm getting engaged. Do you think I won't tell you? Do you think I know?

Like I said, I think I'm sad... and feeling very alone. I want to have a different job. I want to start over with a clean slate. I want to be independent. I want to be able to take care of myself. I wish I didn't need anyone. I wish I didn't have this empty space inside of my chest.