Losing it

I'm starting to feel like I'm loosing it! I go to the gym every morning before work (alright not every morning, but most!) but lately I've been forgetting things... and important things!

About 3 weeks ago I showed up to the gym without a towel! I borrowed one from the gym so it wasn't that big of a deal, but really- Who forgets to bring a towel to shower at the gym?

Then last week I showed up to work, did my thing and as I was getting in my car to go to work I realized I'd left my work computer at home. The gym is right across the street from my job, but my apartment is 15-20 minutes away. So I had to drive back into Richmond, pick up my computer, and drive back to work. I ended up being 20 minutes late which I hate! I'm one of those people who is always early so being late is terrible!

Then yesterday I got to the gym, walked into the locker room and realize I'd forgotten a change of clothes!!! I couldn't go to work in the gym clothes so I shortened my work out, and then drove back to my apartment to shower and change.

Who forgets things like this?? I feel like I'm loosing it! I suppose I just have too much on my mind.

Approved!

I was approved for the apartment. Yay! Now I just need to sign the lease and tell my current leasing company that I won't be renewing my current lease before the 30th.

I'm pretty excited about that but I'm also nervous about moving- a new apartment, a new landlord, new neighbors... new problems too, I'm sure. Still, I'll be leaving my evil rental company behind and I don't believe it gets worse then that.

So, I'm a member of Swap a CD (www.swapacd.com) and Paperback Swap (www.paperbackswap.com). I love them both immensely. I joined back in January and I've been trading heavily ever since. I've received 45 cds in that time. You send off your cds and you can request cds from other members in return. Some lists have a wait list but you can create a wish list and when the cd you want become available (or its your turn in line to receive it) you'll have the ability to request it. My wish list is about 200 deep... some of the cds I'm number 1 in line for, others I'm 20. But after 4/5 months I'm nearing the top of many of the lists. The more popular cds move faster.

The big thing I'm hitting right now is that I've sent off TONS of cds and the cds I want in return aren't available yet. So I have lots of extra cd credits, but no cds that I want... I may try finding some older stuff to request, but right now I'm sending lots of cds and not receiving that many. My time will come though...

I did receive a big one off my list that I'm super excited about- A Sucker's Dream by The Alternate Routes. It just came out a few months ago and it only took about 1-2 months for my turn to come up. Pretty exciting (and an awesome cd).

I've also been scouring the local thrift stores for cds. Some days I walk out without anything, other days I'm taking a stack of 10 cds home. This weekend I found Keane, Spoon, White Town, and Weezer (still in the plastic). Someone has already requested the Keane cd so I'll be sending it out soon...

The swap a cd website cost $.49 a cd, but really its nothing for the cost of a cd- even the thrift store is great, depending on the week, the cd will be anywhere for $2-$1. Still pretty awesome.

Despite its limitations, I really recommend Swap a CD if you're the kind of person that like fresh rotations in their iPod.

Moving Up

I was down right frustrated with trying to find an apartment. I had begun to resign myself to living in my current apartment for another year. I had one more apartment to look at and then I was going to call it quits.

And the last apartment went well. It needs a good cleaning... the hardwood floors are in bad shape...and the bathroom is a little scary... BUT...

It has off street parking, heat included, a real closet and kitchen! And it will be the same price as what the rent in my current place will go up to.

So yesterday I filled out the application and during my lunch break went to my current leasing company to have them fill out a land lord referral. They told me, "We don't do that". So I asked for a print out of my account balance so I could at least show the potential landlord that I've always paid my rent in full and on time. They thankfully gave that to me.

So I jaunted up to the potential leasing company's office to turn everything in and told the secretary that my current leasing company wouldn't fill out the form.

The secretary replied, "They do. They don't like it, but they'll do it for us. But I have no doubt that they told you that they don't. " I could have laughed! Even other leasing companies know how bad they are. I even looked them up in the Better Business Bureau and they have an F!!

Oh if I had been smarter when I signed my first lease. I got a copy of what my new lease will look like and it was all very reasonable. I'm having the boyfriend look it over for me to be sure (two sets of eyes are better than one).

So- I turned everything in yesterday and I'm hoping to hear that my application has been approved by tomorrow so I can tell my current leasing company FUCK YOU!

Cross your fingers! :)

Apartments and Moving

The only time that I really really wish I made more money is when it comes time to find an apartment.

I do really well with what I'm paid. I've been able to put money into savings the past few years. I am able to pay all my bills on time and in full. (Aside from those pesky student loans which will take years to pay off- but most people have those.) And yet... when it comes time for me to find an apartment I always end up feeling shitty about my job.

To get a really nice apartment (one that looks good AND has a reasonable landlord) I'd have to pay $100-$150 more than I'm willing to. Which is a problem because I am sick and tired of dealing with my current leasing company.

Some solutions: Get a roommate. If I had a roommate I could live in a nice place for less than what I'm paying now for rent. The problem with this solution is that I don't know anyone I'd want to live with or could live with. And I've tried craigslist (which I love) but I once ended up with a roommate who grew his own supply in the coat closet. I moved out shorty there after.

Another solution: Live in a less desirable place with cheaper rent. I'm small and I'm female so I'm going to have to pass on that.

Final solution: Deal with the current landlord and be glad there is a roof over your head.

I don't like any of them, but I'm getting frustrated by the apartments I'm looking at. I saw 2 on Friday, one looked like it belonged to a hoarder. I don't think trash had been taken out in months and there was a pathway through the shit to the kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. The leasing agent joked that, "There's floor around here somewhere." It looked like it had potential but ALL of the people in the building are college students and I'd be worried that when I have to go to bed at 10 to go to work the next morning they'd just be getting started partying.

Apartment two was a great location (close to where I currently live) but when we went inside... the ceiling was a plywood board. I asked the agent what that was about and got, "Oh, there was some leaking." So I asked, "Is the leaking still a problem?" She replied, "No we replace the roof about 12 months ago."

...SO... 12 months ago you replaced the roof to stop the leaking and the current tenant has had a plywood board ceiling for 12 months? Really? The apartment was nice other than that... central AC, hardwood floors, off street parking... But if a leasing company just lets someone live with a plywood ceiling and then SHOWS the apartment in that condition! It seems crazy to me, but what do I know?

I am going to visit another apartment tomorrow...

I'm going to keep going to look at apartments until I have to let my current leasing company know if I'm going or staying.

If I haven't found anything I suppose I'll be staying... which wouldn't be the end of the world...but I won't be happy with it.

Alone in a Crowded Room

I narrate my life. I can't possibly be the only person who does this.

Anyway- during the day in the back of my head I'm thinking how I would tell this "story" to someone else or my diary. Its weird, right? I think it steams from having written in a diary religiously when I was younger and being used to telling people about your day.

I also think about the way I phrase things in my narration. "What will the listening think about me if I say this? But what if I put it this way?"

The point being I suck as blogging because I can't get it out of my head and onto paper. I also happen to think that I'd be pretty damn funny. Or maybe I just sound that way in the back of my head.

I need to write though. I think its healthy for me. Besides- what are my other options? Telling my boyfriend who may or may not be around much longer about my days and relying on him to help me make decisions? My mother who has her own problems to worry about?

This is depressing me. I need to write, and I need to write for me. I need to be my own listener, my own advocate.

And I've been trying really hard the last few months to do what is right for me. To take care of myself. To look out for my best interests. To not kill annoying coworkers.

I love my job for the most part. But I can't do this all my life- there's too much travel. I need to get my act together and go to grad school.

Am I excited about going back to school? No.

When people go off to undergraduate they go to school for the experience. And some go to grad school for the same reason, but they usually go because they want a job. It isn't about meeting people (although you do and its great) its about getting the skills you need to get that job when you graduate.

Not that I'm saying I wouldn't enjoy grad school, that it wouldn't be fun...but that's not the point (and in reality that shouldn't be what the undergraduate education is for but that's another story).

Maybe I just want to go to grad school because I need a change. Maybe its because I really want to get the training for the right job for me. Maybe I just want to run away from Richmond like I ran away from my parents.

Things get to deep, and you need to cut loose, get out. I always loved the feeling of leaving a job. When you're getting ready to quit and all you can think about it how this isn't my responsibility anymore. I won't have to deal with this soon.

I think that I'm very sad by that I'm holding it all together so well. I feel like I'm a bomb but I'm clipping wires to prevent the explosion.

Unlike some people who drop atomic bombs on my life. Its frustrating when your so worried about Problem A and it turns out Problem B comes down and blows everything you were working on to prevent Problem A from well... becoming a problem.

Its frustrating when everyone around you when friends and co-workers and younger siblings are getting married and your boyfriend won't even talk to you about marriage.

I WISH people would stop asking me when I'm getting engaged. Do you think I won't tell you? Do you think I know?

Like I said, I think I'm sad... and feeling very alone. I want to have a different job. I want to start over with a clean slate. I want to be independent. I want to be able to take care of myself. I wish I didn't need anyone. I wish I didn't have this empty space inside of my chest.